“Lovers getting married to unknown persons.”


Boy, are you guys giving me so much interesting crap to write about with these damn Wordpress Search Engine Terms, (what people typed in to find me via their preferred search engine, i.e Google) What is this, Utah? OK, sorry Dooce.  But really, what the hell are YOU doing with your relationship if you are getting married to people you don’t even know.

I did a search on this last night and pretty much all I could find was several hundred articles on polygamy and several more articles on Life in Utah or “Mormons of Utah: The Polygamy Scandal” …. or my personal favorite. “Polygamy: For the Man who Only Eats at the Buffet.”  Yeah…. Really.

What the hell could you possibly be searching for?  Why get married AT ALL if you are going to put your name on the dotted line with somebody you don’t even know? Why not just stay single and spread yourself around like that?

I asked a co-worker about this, who is also an avid blogger (politics, ::puke::, sorry hon!) and she said that about a year ago she was watching a documentary on A&E about how this couple in Texas who had been dating for over 10 years decided to spice up their anti-marriage relationship by finding people who would marry them with little dating. Contradictory, you say? YES, read on.  They both wrote to different companies who supplied “Ready to Marry” Dates. After a little over a month both of them had found a husband and a wife and got married separately- even though they were still together just so that the relationship they were continuing would suddenly become an exciting “extramarital affair” and sneaking around would add the spice back to their relationship. Turns out the husband she married was not an MF’er to mess with. He was formerly involved with the mob and had had a hard time finding a woman who didn’t know about his reputation to be with. Hey, everyone gets lonely, even former hitmen for the mafia! Guess who found out about the little scam? You guessed it, the former mafia man! He apparrently didn’t like being scammed on for their little love-affair and he killed them both.

1. Rule #1 if you’re going to marry somebody you barely know. 

Don’t marry a sex offender or somebody affiliated with the mob or an ex-con, because if they find out, you just might have your genitals set on fire, make your way to the top of a hit list, you know, the kind where they never find your body, or get chopped up into tiny little pieces by the deranged ex-con….or there is the more rare part where you will marry somebody who is a really great person and turns out it was all a joke and then you break that persons heart. HaHaHa.. Ok Fine, I know I have a wild imagination but really, couldn’t it make sense? Doesn’t it? Perfect example in the story above.

2. Rule #2 if you must pick a fetish, pick something that’s not legally binding and won’t get you killed.

I understand there are some weird people out there with crazy fetishes. Like people with a foot fetish, gross, I’ll never understand it. Guys dressing up in women’s clothing. Uh…Hey, whatever floats your boat…or sinks your battleship. ::wink wink:: Either way, I get it. Period. I understand that the human brain craves out of the ordinary fetishes that are manifested inside the brain and ironically have been trained over the course of ones life to trigger arousal in extreme forms. Fine.

But this one? I don’t get it.  Enlighten me how something so damn-near permanent just to spice up your sex life is worth it? Tell me where the world has gone wrong today with it’s irony. You know men and women who joke, or not joke,  about how the sex is over and lacks passionate once those vows are said? Yeah well, what the hell has our society come to now that we need the REVERSE to achieve heightened, more passionate sexual experiences?!

In unison now, let’s smack our foreheads and say “What…The…Fuuuuuuuuuuuck??!”

-Alyssa

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5 thoughts on ““Lovers getting married to unknown persons.”

  1. Do you think they sat around at Starbucks one day and were like;

    “I know.. wouldn’t it be hot if we both get married to someone else and kept slinking off for a little bit of cheese and ham on the side?”

    “Sure great idea honey.. look I found a website Witness Protection Marriages dot com”

  2. Great point Paul!

    But I’m a little nervous about the whole thing…where in your relationship do you decide that this would be OK? I always wondered this about swingers to…

    Man: “honey you know I really like your friend, Sally. Do you want to do her husband? Cause I’d be OK with that.”

    Woman: “You totally read me mind babe, and would it be OK if we brought this up tonight with them over dinner?

    Man: “what a great idea!”

  3. I don’t get that either. Also, I don’t understand shows like, “The Bachelor”, where they propose at the end. It’s like, “I know last week I was dating 3 other girls, but will you marry me”.

  4. Ugh I know!! I was just flipping through the channels last night and saw like the first fifteen minutes of the bachelor and by the time he was making out with girl #3 on a hammock – I was like give me a F’ing break — this is the dumbest shit EVER!…

    ::click::

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