Ok, it’s time to talk search engine terms again because it seems a good handful of people that are finding their way to my blog are married or seem to be asking themselves a ton of questions about why they got married, or love or their decisions up to this point. It’s a big deal, it seems, as well it should be.
The two most recent search terms pull at my little heart strings.
“I want a man that loves me.” and “what would my life be like if I had never married”
First of all, whatever you’re going through, I’m deeply sorry. Painfully sorry for whatever has caused you to ask these questions. I refuse to sit here and say “My marriage is perfect” or I have some kind of expertise when it comes to marriage, as I am only 21, and I’ve only been married for around four and a half years – it is just something that is prevelant and talked about in my daily life. I’ve been counseled professionally and counseled others non-professionally from what I learned through professional counseling. It’s a part of my life, and the things I learn about – so we talk about it.
First off- everyone person has the right to love and be loved and it’s painful to be with somebody who you don’t love or who doesn’t love you. Either or. People will do insane things in times of loneliness, we are the most social creatures that walk this planet and we are designed for social contact and interaction. We are built to interact. And those that are not are defined “sociopaths” because they go against every piece of science that explains what we are as a whole. As social creatures we are designed to learn and adapt to communicating in different ways, (i.e. finding love via the internet, mail, date line, phone etc etc) We have to adapt to changing ways in society, but unless we exhibit those sorts of sociopothatic tendancies, we are bound to find some person we connect with on some level. It’s proven and it is bound to happen, whether we push that person away, reject them, are not attracted to them etc, is your own story – but we are, by design, bound and determined on a subconcious level to find a person/mate/friend/lover/spouse etc. In due time my friend, in due time.
“You might have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.” Cheesecake I know — but still relevent.
“what my life would be like had I never married.”
Unless you marriage has been complete crap and you’re abused or completely miserable, havent gotten any adorable kiddos out of the deal and never had a single happy moment/week/month/year, then maybe you should rethink not so much what your life would be like had you never married but more so of what your life could be if you changed some things in your current life to be happy. You cannot know what your life would be like if you’d never married – because in reality, you only have one life, one chance to get it right. So if you fuck it up in one way or another you have to live with it and adapt it to what is going to be best for yourself and any persons depending upon you in the end.
The real question should NOT be “what would my life be like had I never married?” but more so “Why did I get married in the first place?” Not for the sake of arguing against the idea of marriage but more so of figuring out where your head was when you got married, to whom and why you made that decision. There is no argument against marriage- you can’t argue against marriage in my personal opinion – it seems like now-adays married people are fighting FOR their marriage and defending it against other people who don’t understand marriage in the first place and plan to stay single forever like life is some sort of big orgy (which I don’t get)- or those that don’t believe that the bond should be on a piece of paper but more-so in your hearts (which I DO get) but still. Think about why you’re married to your spouse, if you can right down on two sides of the same piece of paper, in a month, try it for a month, one half represents CONS and the other Represents PROS. Do both and see what you come up with at the end of the month – you’ll start to get a real picture when you read out the answers. Some people are drawn to many conclusions about their partners at the end of this little experiment. Put a star or a checkmark by the ones that are VERY serious to you on the Cons list and put a star next to the ones on the Pros list that positively fill you with elation.
Conclusion A: All the Pro’s Outweigh the Cons and things are Not as Bad as I Thought.
-You see several positive things in your list – more than you thought existed and are mentally and emotionally wanting to continue this partnership with your best foot forward even if it does take a little work.
Conclusion B: This marriage is more of a struggle than it is a partnership and I don’t know where it’s going because of the Cons directly caused by my partner.
-You see a HUGE list of cons where you are constantly say “I feel….” or “He makes me feel…..” before every list item. You see several starred entries on the Cons side but none on the pros side. Maybe this means it is time for counseling? Remember – when one partner thinks its time for counseling you should go. Not necessarily when BOTH feel that way, one partner feels you should go. GO.
Conclusion C: “What do you mean these Cons are more about me than they are my partner!?!?”
–Several starred Cons and very few or no Pros. More than 10 of your cons start with “He doesn’t do this” “He doesn’t do that” “He is lazy” “He never does this.” “He is bad at this..” If all of your cons start with cut downs or explanations as to why the other person sucks, then it’s not only time for some serious soul searching on YOUR part to figure out where your own head is and if your anger and contempt for previous issues has carried over into your daily life and you could be indirectly causing the stress and tension in the first place. This is not to say the other partners at no fault – obviously. But more to say maybe this is more about BOTH of you and less about one party.
I won’t even touch on the subject of spousal abuse, verbal, mental abuse, abuse of children because there is no discussion on that topic — You get out and you protect the ones you love at all cost and do not expose your children to abuse and abusive situations. Period.
Other Most Recent Search Terms:
- points wife (?)
- I want a man that loves me
- what would my life be like had I never married