This is a search engine term that I could not ignore. I saw this and my heart suddenly sank, I felt like I needed to find this person, tell them how wrong they are about life if they are willing to sacrifice their life to put the pain away, how much it would hurt people if they did such a thing – and to remind them how time will heal their wounds…
I came across this search engine term, I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with them lately, sitting down in the evening with my hot cocoa scanning for something interesting and by George, I found nothing interesting, I found something devastating.
Regardless of what gender you are, no other person’s presence or lack thereof in your life is absolutely no reason to end your life. Under any circumstance, children or not..
I hear you – you’re saying “This bitch, has no idea what she is talking about, she’s never felt it, she’s never experienced it.” Wrong. I’m not going to go into great detail – but I have been there and I do have a child. I was ready to give up, give it all up…over something that ended up working itself out and all the chips fell back into place and life went on to form a much more beautiful, happier, fulfilling marriage for me. I never would have known that was coming or seen it had I ‘offed’ myself. I laid in bed for hours, after 10-11 days of nothing but soda – and felt like the world was closing in on me and thinking about how I could just go to sleep and not wake up the next morning.. I prayed for it.
How selfish of me. I had a small child who NEEDED me and how dare I ever think of something so selfish. Shame on me for ever thinking of such a thing. The guilt haunted me for months after.
I felt this way until I woke up one morning and said to myself “Today will be different.”
I got my ass out of bed, showered, ate the biggest meal I think I’d eaten in my life, and wore my nicest suit to work and decided enough was enough. I was going to survive the biggest devastation and disappointment and “loss” in my life. By FORCING myself to do it. Because I knew that life would go on, regardless, one way or another I’d survive.
Despite the fact that the situation I was originally in completely changed and things went back to “normal” six weeks later, I had still made the decision to survive weeks before that. I had become strong enough to handle life if he never came home – I could do it. But it took hitting rock bottom for me to see the teensy tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
You have to find something to grab onto long enough to keep you alive long enough to get through the devastation period, even if it is something so ridiculous unhealthy as to say “We could end up back together if x and y and z happens…” Just long enough to keep you from doing something crazy. Because I promise you once you come out of the devastation and survival modes kick in you’re entire outlook on what is coming ahead changes.
You only get one chance at life, one, there is no point wasting it over some other physical entity that probably wasn’t right for you to begin with. I promise you there will be others – I promise you time will heal your wounds even if it doesn’t seem like it now, I promise you there will be another to fill the void of sadness and loneliness…. when you’re ready.
I always feel like I’m speaking to people who were/are just like me. I feel loss and devastation over the smallest of things, even the craziest little change of plans type situations. That’s just me so I relate to people on this level who hit a low and think it’s all over. I’m working on this – but I like to share my experiences in hope that it might help somebody else who was in my shoes once. I got some amazing help and advice from people and a friend became my backbone to get me through.
Find a way.