It’s hell…and torment…

5 weeks…2days… this is going by so slowly.

 I don’t know how to begin to describe the hell I’m in on a daily basis.

This child took us 23 months to conceive, our first took us 23 minutes (heHe)

I have until March 11, 2008. Which we will be in New Orleans for, for 311 Day. Ironic eh?

That day my chances of miscarriage will decrease by 75%.

Right now. I’m in a pathetic state. I think I could be clinically diagnosed with an irrational fear of miscarriage. After so many months of trying to get pregnant with this one, my fear of miscarriage has now greatly overcome my fear of death – and before, my number one fear is death, whether it be my own death or the death of somebody I care for. This is a problem. I feel like I can’t stop it – to the point of psychosis. I know it’s out of my control and I’m doing every single thing my doctor has told me to, the hormone supplements, everything. I’m doing it all – everything I’m supposed to and I know it’s all I can do – but I’m losing my grasp on the possibility that this pregnancy could turn into a perfectly healthy full term baby. It’s like my brain cannot fuse the connection between the two.

 Right now I’m struggling and people who tell me “honestly, if its going to happen its going to happen and there is nothing you can do about it.” does not help. I’m well aware that the one thing that could have been destined to CAUSE a miscarriage at 9weeks when the placenta attempted to take over caring for the fetus – with low progesterone like mine, could cause a spontaneous miscarriage – and I am currently taking progesterone supplements to prevent that.

One day I am completely convinced EVERYTHING is fine and this baby will be perfect and I’m buying maternity clothes on clearance, then….the next I am a nervous wreck, walking around prepared for the worst, wandering in and out of the bathroom checking to make sure there are no ‘new developments’….

Please just get me to march 11th and I will feel so much better…. please please please. =(

One thought on “It’s hell…and torment…

  1. Awww………My heart goes out to you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    As for that, “if it’s going to happen, it’s just going to happen thing”, that really pisses me off. With my first child I bled early in the pregnancy, and when I called to Dr they told me to go ahead as normal because, “if it’s going to happen it will, there is nothing you can do to prevent it”.

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