Noobsauce.


So I had a small intimate family gathering for a baby shower for my second child who will be here in exactly two weeks three days – the cake was delicious – getting to see the fam was nice – no retarded ass games – and good food. My aunts and grandmother did a great job. 😉

So I got a lot of gift cards – and decided I would use the gift cards to purchase all of the remaining items on my registry that did not get purchased..which I was able to do and then some..

Enter Babies R Us – last Sunday – I’m wandering around in maternity jeans, kitten heels, and my baby pink motorola blue tooth…. I kept thinking to myself – I look like a total “BPE” right now – I really need to rethink my wardrobe… Oh that’s right I forgot – the BPE (Best Parent Ever) wouldn’t wear a blue tooth head set ever – most especially not when pregnant because it is most certainly microwaving my unborn son’s brain into mush and giving me tumors the size of lemons.  So I’m looking over my list of things I need- ok fine. Things I need want. The list was as follows.

  • Inclined sleep positioner for the bassinette. (I get grief for this – but really I think these things are God’s gift to pukey-acid reflux babies. But I’ve gotten the “WTF do you need one of those for, seriously are you that concerned with the flat spot on the back of the baby’s head?!”)
  • Another set of glass BPA free Dr. Brown’s 3.5 ounce bottles. (Again, I get grief, but either way, they don’t cost me any more money to buy the polypropylene ones that are BPA free – but the glass ones are a little more expensive but they get clean a ton easier, they sterilize better, the BPA free is just a perk – once he is taking 8ounce bottles – I’ll switch him to polypropylene 8ouncers.)
  • Waterproof pads (These are a necessity, wouldn’t want pee pee or other bodily fluids ruining my very nice – very expensive pack n’ play basinette mattress. 3pack = $5.99)
  • A Formula Dispenser for on the Go – (Found one of these by Munchkin for like three dollars. Totally necessary for on the go – because lugging around a whole can of formula is a bitch and a half.)
  • A Bottle brush – (This goes without explanation.)
  • Baby in Sight Rear view mirror attachments. (I suggest these to those mini van driving mothers who FLIP THE F OUT and fly over three lanes of traffic to check on their rear facing infants. Please buy a set – they were only four dollars.)
  • Bulk size box of diapers and wipes. (I’m testing the waters with the Newborn size diapers from Babies R Us. Hopefully they don’t chap my kids ass or allow him to leak all over the place.)

So I snatch up everything on my little list feeling satisfied that I can exit the store – but then I see another aisle that I missed during my browsing… and I’m suddenly awestruck going  “What the fuck is all this shit?”… Now I’m no newbie at this but suddenly I felt like total noobsauce in the parentage department. I’m going “Ok, it’s only been four years since my oldest was a baby and suddenly – the worlds lost its fucking mind.” I’m looking at things that no parent in their right mind – ok that was mean – with their pocket books in mind would buy!

For example, there is a contraption that Babies R Us sells that STRAPS TO YOUR BABY’S HEAD and rests just underneath the baby’s nose and monitors his oxygen intake and his carbon dioxide output – and as soon as the carbon dioxide exceeds the oxygen intake by a hair – it sets off an alarm loud enough to wake your Aunt Ethel from the fuckin’ dead. The picture of this poor kid on the front of the box had me thinking… “Well, there goes his chances of ever being a semi-successful child star with a later in life dependency problem and a receding hairline…Sorry kid, tough break.”

You guessed it, there is an ENTIRE AISLE at Babies R Us dedicated to preventing and reducing the chance of SIDS…  How I missed the rest of these items when I snuck in and grabbed a sleep positioner-  I do not know. I understand that some parents take SIDS incredibly serious – and will go to extreme lengths to prevent it. I understand it – but I’m going “Oh my god, the industry is capitalizing off a mother’s fear.” and I was disgusted. “Guaranteed to reduce the risk of SIDS – pacifiers!” “Clinically shown to reduce the risk of SIDS – sleep positioner.” Niiiiiice manufacturing companies….niiiice…..

I felt completely assaulted by how our weaknesses are taken advantage of  . . .  and I’m going “Man, am I that behind the times that I need to buy all this shit?”

OH! and don’t get me started on bottles… if somebody can explain to me who the hell thought of this bottle….and was allowed to say it’s the only nipple truly shaped like a mother’s nipple – because they need an anatomy lesson or at least please come forth if you’ve found your Boob Doppelganger in this bottle…

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