I can definitely tell you that over the last several days I have developed a real grasp on reality. I feel like things that were the options I was putting on the table were never options that I could go through with because of how much I would miss all of the wonderful things about him and about our family unit.
Our problems truly stem from the fact that I believed that there was some imaginary person out there that could fit the bill on every single thing I wanted in a man, in a companion, and it started to break down in my face that that is too much pressure to put on one human being. Imagining myself in the opposition I would be devastated to know that I could not flesh into the perfect woman for my spouse. I would feel powerless and resistant to change I couldn’t make. It is not realistic that there is a “total package”, there is never a person that you will meet that will be everything you ever wanted without some tiny quirks. My way of thinking was putting me on the fast track to loneliness and a never ending search for a person who did not exist – which would have essentially returned me to facing the fact that I had lost the only person that I had ever truly loved. A fate I was not willing to face.
I would have missed out on a wonderful weekend in Hannibal as a family. I would have missed out on a fun day at the pumpkin patch because even if we had separated I don’t know if I would have had the emotional energy to take them to the pumpkin patch alone because I would have most certainly been eaten alive by depression.
He is not perfect. He is a great father, a romantic person, a respectful person, a stable provider, a loyal and understanding man, and a faithful compassionate friend. But, in all of his ‘imperfection’, he is mine.