You must make a conscious choice when to say when and step away from a situation that does nothing but suck people down into a black hole of nothingness and ruin an entire family.
“Family” is such a loose word these days. ( I’m still angry so it’s hard for me to have a conversation about it.) If families were built on blood and DNA then there would be no such thing as adoption. Families are built on bonds and trust. Being blood/DNA only makes it easier for them to be together in one place from the beginning of their lives.
I am going through a very rough time accepting that my family has succumbed to, she will remain named as “her“, her addiction. Everyone runs around doing her dishes, helping clean her house, taking care of the children when she simply has no energy left to care for the older two and needs a nap. Sometimes they even cook for her. She takes grocery money or ANY money from anyone who will give it. I made the mistake of purchasing groceries for her. She will never pay me back and somehow in my heart I knew it when she started loading her cart down with junk food… (no wonder…)
I have nothing to hide. I will no longer live in silence and tip toe around the subject to avoid disgracing, an already broken, family.
I may not have handled my anger in the best way, but my anger and hurt took over so deeply . The poison spreads throughout them like a disease. Nobody will get anyone help. Nobody will save anyone from drowning – but they will smother addictions with the word “Yes.” and “I’ll take care of it” and simply ignoring the problem.
I was 17 when I got married. Decided it was time to be an adult and play house and for that decision we both paid the price of learning everything the “hard way”. They supported my decision to get married, hell they even gave me away – however, they didn’t have to. Secondly, I wasn’t on drugs – I was just rushing into something I was legally (via affidavit) allowed to do. So, in essence, I’m not sure what they did was enabling me – they just figured I was going to do it anyway with or without their assistance and I was fully within my legal rights to do so.
My husband and I used to be aggressive towards one another in the depths of extreme depression and being financially destitute. (And a little lack of maturity) We are both very ashamed for how we behaved 7 years ago. But, alas, we have grown and our children are in a stable and loving home where they never have to go without or ‘want’ for anything (without being entitled).
Another point – I refuse to take advantage of people. I know some of them would never tell me no if I asked for something in my adult life…but I didn’t ask because I knew it wasn’t a fair situation. This is what people do when they don’t want to be responsible for breaking another human’s dignity down… but other do it anyway.
Anyway, in an explosion of anger and emotion I had to cut them all out. Eliminate every single one of them. Facebook – blocked emails – blocked phone numbers. You name it. I don’t take empty threats from family lightly and normally I am THE BIGGEST advocate of “THIS IS YOUR FAMILY SHUT UP AND WORK IT OUT!” but when it comes along that my children’s well-being is at stake. YOU’RE GONE – and that’s that.
So, I will make no attempt to contact them. I will not accept any contact from them and there will be absolutely no association with my children. Trying to figure out how to work Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving at a mutual family members home. I simply can no longer take part in their downward spiral and I will not allow my children witness me being called a “BITCH who only cares about money!” Yeah, she was in the room for that one – kind of unexpected.
It’s amazing how the person who REFUSES to enable the addict, gets told they lack compassion. Damn right. I lack the ability to make it easy for you to ruin a family and screw up your kids. Yes. You burned me one time. Never again.
Even if they all got help – and she got off the prescription drugs — I would still never allow her in my children’s lives. Ever. Again. How somebody can say some things SO heinous about little tiny kids – leaves me flabbergasted. Disgusted, but still flabbergasted.
My choice to let go was one to say “NO. I refuse to allow my children or my family to be any part of this dysfunction.” Some of the things they were saying was deplorable… and completely, insane and very likely untrue.
I wish I weren’t so angry… I wish I could let go of this hatred that lives in me, for robbing me of a real family. I am remotely estranged (with the possibility of reparation) from my paternal family – by odd dynamic and distance but this was….this was the icing on the cake for me.