It’s nobody’s business and we don’t talk about it…

As most of you don’t know, haha, my mother is adopted. She is the first born child from both of her biological parents and she has three biological half siblings from each biological parent, making her the oldest of 7 (in her biological family).  My mother found them when I was 5 and she was 21. She did not know she was adopted until age 9. Her parents kept it a secret and she came across some paperwork in my Grandmother’s secretary desk detailing the adoption through Catholic Family Services. As you might suspect, things changed.

My mother was the second “born” child in her adoptive family. My mom’s adoptive parents, my grandparents, had experienced multiple miscarriages after their severely premature son, my uncle, and so they adopted my mother assuming this would be the last child they would be able to have. My grandmother went on to have two more daughters 7 and 8 years younger than my mom.  Making her 2 of 4 in her adoptive family.

To be honest with you, none of them look anything like their parents, the only proof was that people and pictures have on record my grandmother being pregnant and giving birth, otherwise, there is very little if any resemblance whatsoever and many people in our family agree. My uncle, the oldest, favors a young version of my grandfather but you’d have to know them both to see it.

Given the recent events with being estranged from my mother’s family, it has made my mother and I realize more how we should be forging real family ties and branching out with people who really do love and care for us.

Recently, my mother’s biological baby sister got married, who lives here in St. Louis while the rest of her biological mother’s side lives in New Mexico at this point.  The wedding was family and close friends only and the reception was open to everyone else. My mother and I were really happy to be invited since apparently the DNA we share is more important than a piece of paper that says they aren’t family anymore.

It was a great time! It was amazing to me to see an entire family socializing and taking photographs together and loving each other AS a family versus animosity so thick you could cut it with a knife. Nobody was sneering or scowling at my mother or gossiping about the child her bi0-Mom “gave away”, people were welcoming and inviting and accepting.. Something I have never really had before, or known at all.  I’m generally a tolerant and accepting person – but I’ve never really known what it means to be accepted without condition without people talking poorly behind your back. My mom’s adoptive parents =  “Don’t talk about anything in public forum because it’s taboo and reflects poorly on this family!” “We can’t do anything drastic because we enable everyone to behave poorly and other’s will find out and it will reflect poorly on us.” (Disclaimer: My mom’s immediate adoptive family only, not any of the extended relatives feel this way for whatever reason – we still talk to all of them)  versus my mom’s adoptive family “You’re here, we love you – we accept you!” 

It was very nice to feel like we were a part of something when we’ve faced such animosity and opposition from my mom’s adoptive family for several years. Shit-talking spreads like poison in that family, or, catches like a wildfire – any analogy similar to those would work too.  People were coming up to us, that I don’t remember, and hugging us and talking about how happy they were to have all of the siblings together (my mother and her biological siblings) and to some of them, to see me for the first time in 18-20 years. (Others I have seen recently in my travels).  It made me want to run away and never look back at the mean things my mom’s adoptive family says… then I realize – I already did.

They left some gifts on the back porch on my sons birthday but have made absolutely ZERO attempts in over 2 months to contact me, e-mail me, call me, come over – beg to see their grandchildren or niece and nephew. Oh yeah that’s right they called me a “bitch” and my kids “mean-spirited little assholes” and for the addict “She doesn’t care if she never sees them again anyway” for the fallacious name calling mentioned about my small children…

Guess whose talking now? All the people you didn’t want to know your secrets… and I didn’t have to say a word. They came to their own conclusions.


One thought on “It’s nobody’s business and we don’t talk about it…

  1. There may have been a very limited number [1 or 2] talking about you and the kids the way you describe here, but the way you generalize as if it was the entire ‘adoptive’ family is just plain not true. It sounds as though you have been indoctrinated into a hateful and vengeful attitude towards us. I realize that emotions take over at times, but you should be smart enough to know exaggerated BS when you hear it, and you should realize that some of this sort of thing happens in most families at one time or another, usually brought on by extremely stressful situations, or simply one bad egg in the group. The ‘not wanting family stuff discussed in public’, from my standpoint, had nothing to do with ‘reflecting badly on the family.’ It was due to the fact that at least two members of this extended family have always loved using information, and even minor comments, to create a soap-opera like gossip, add some of their own crap to it, and spread it everywhere. One good example was just recounted to me at Christmas: Grandma threw an ashtray at your head, and I had to physically throw you out of our house, and then go the police to get a restraining order to keep you away from us. And the only ‘secret’ we ever tried to protect was the addict because we hoped at the time that it would be very temporary. But that remained no secret at all, even for a short time [because of one of the gossips I mentioned ]. But most in the extended family, and others, have known about this for years. So there is no ‘breaking news’ here. I’m afraid you’re a victim of bad information. And as to no attempt to contact you, that’s also BS. I sent text messages and e-mails, all to no avail. Grandma phoned your Mom and they talked briefly. But after that, no effort was made by either of you to return the contact. And yes, we dearly miss the kids, yours and hers, and would love to see them on a regular basis as before. But the way you and your Mom have talked about us, all of us, we assume you want no further contact for any reason, even though it’s terribly unfair to the kids. For some reason that still puzzles me, both of you are horribly misguided about us, and about the condition of the children of the ‘addict.’ They miss their cousins and keep asking why you two are doing this. We simply tell them that you are upset with us right now, having nothing to do with them, and that hopefully that will change soon.

    To expound on the incident with your temper tantrum here, your approach and attitude when you walked in the door to get your housekey caused your Grandma to get upset immediately. Remember, we deal with this pressure and its effects every day. She told you several times to stop, that she had heard enough. But you continued your rant, getting louder each minute. She finally got up and moved out of your sight while you were in the foyer. While you were yelling over and over again ‘you guys just don’t get it’, I could see Grandma starting to gag for breath. Her heart incident had been way underplayed. That’s when I started telling you to stop or ‘get out’, but you continued. So I repeated ‘get out’ until you slammed the door saying ‘and don’t think you’ll ever see my kids again.’ Nothing was ever thrown at you, and I didn’t even get off the couch, let alone physically throw you out.

    I’m glad all of you are happy with life without us, but I believe you have been misled, or are just misguided, selectively choosing any little bad memory you can muster up just to meet your agenda of dumping all of us, and justify your actions to yourselves. Think about it. You should be dumping the hate, not us.

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