I keep hearing over and over again that I need to learn to forgive those who have wronged me and mine… for me. Not forgive them – for them, forgive them – for me… But I can’t. I don’t know how it is possible when I truly cannot forgive anyone who is not remorseful and refuses to recognize that they have done something either to themselves or others that has caused another pain.
I have spent many nights crying into a glass of wine, on my husband’s shoulder, on the phone with a friend or alone in my room. Sometimes at this very desk.
I want to be a family – a big beautifully functioning family – the occasional drama or misunderstanding or squabble… but a real family….I have that in my immediate family with my husband and two children – but I grew up in a multi-generational home and it was a very different dynamic. I feel so empty without all of these ‘branches’ of family and people to fill them that I find myself succumbing to depression over it. Why? Why do I do this to myself?
I have to keep reminding myself of the following things…and if I ever forget, somebody else please remind me.
1. My Aunt’s addiction and codependency problem is not mine.
2. I don’t need the $150 she stole from me back – I do pretty well without it.
3. I am NOT an enabler.
4. I am NOT a liar, come to me and you’re getting the truth. For that I do not need to apologize.
5a. Their actions and the things that they say about me and the ones that I love – DO NOT DEFINE US. They reflect on them – even if they were family.
5b. Family is not defined by DNA – it is defined by a unit of people who WANT to be together.
6. It is ok to cry and be mad and stew in it – as long as there is a end to it.
7. The lies they tell about me are just that – lies. They are projecting their illnesses onto others to distract attention from them. I am not what they say.
8a. They can live in misery and in this constant “failure to launch” and continue to lack independence – I didn’t, don’t and won’t. I’ve built this life for me.
8b. It is ok to be proud of yourself for all of your hard work…especially while looking at the wreckage you emerged from.
I just simply do not have the mental tools to forgive anyone for me, for them or otherwise unless they are truly remorseful. I am a forgiving person, if you’re sorry, but if you’re bullshitting me. There’s the door. I am always accountable for my actions. I have done some dumb shit – but I am human and recognize the feelings of others… some people never quite got that trait.
I cut you out because you refuse to recognize that you’re all responsible for where she is today. You’re responsible for enabling this behavior. Her children will repeat this cycle, sadly, if this isn’t stopped now… if it doesn’t end – they are in for the same fate and will be jobless, codependent and lacking social grace. (and if they’re anything like the tree they fell from – pathological liars who tell the lie and then believe it to be true…) I love those little cousins and miss them something terrible… something absolutely terrible…but it is too painful and too impossible to have the adults surrounding them in my life anymore. I have moved on physically from the chaos.
But I’m still stuck…. still emotionally stuck.