Exercises in Futility


I always want resolution…

I don’t want things to be out there floating in the great abyss, I want it fixed… but only if the fix meets my standards or else I feel incomplete.

I want to believe that everyone is mostly good and that is my biggest downfall…but I have never lived that way in practice. I don’t trust easily and I have a pretty keen bullshit detector. I trust my spouse and a few close friends and family members, but other than that you can pretty much assume that I don’t trust you and that you have yet to give me a reason to trust you. I don’t let people get very close to me for this reason exactly.

After my maternal Grandmother died and I was left with no resolution after trying to fix things with no response… it left me with the ultimate punishment… unfinished business. Though my Grandfather and I cried into a glass of wine about how proud of me she would be and how forgiveness and resolution was so close before the ‘accident’ and that I have done everything she has ever wanted for me… it helped me moved on….but it still isn’t her words.

I wanted to change people. I want to make people understand that they are accountable for 90% of the bad things that happen to them. There is no ‘omen’, no ‘bad luck’… and the same for ‘good luck’… It is you. It is all you. What kind of Social Worker in Training would I be if I believed that I would be counseling my future clients on “Bad luck, omens, victimization and when they win the lottery things will be better.” Time to put your big boy/girl panties on and grab the bull by the horns. If I can do it, so can they…

Burned me once, shame on you. Burned me twice, shame on me.

I don’t generally give people the opportunity to burn me twice because I hit the door before they have the opportunity. I may be terrible at holding grudges but I am always willing to move on and forgive and preach forgiveness if they show legitimate progress. Nothing is different, nothing has changed – there is no moving forward. Nobody admits their part in this game. Everyone is a victim. Nobody enabled her. And yet…. nobody stood up for me. “It’s your own damn fault for loaning her money.” AND YET —- their actions that contributed to her downward spiral, are not part of that “fault”. Enabling is defined by Webster as:

Definition of ENABLE

1
a : to provide with the means or opportunity
b : to make possible, practical, or easy

Alyssa is not a victim. I am not a product of my upbringing (to reference a previous post). Alyssa, Yeah, I’m speaking in 3rd person, sue me, also does not enable people. You are responsible for your part in this. If you don’t agree then there is nothing more to be said…Family stands up for family even if it is in the face of adversity when other family is also involved. Nobody stood up for me. I was just another snob, I guess.

I’m feeling bitter still and you’d think 7 months would have helped… but it hasn’t. This continues to hurt my Mother because she wants to see me be better and not be so depressed about this… but you can’t change your family.

At one point, maybe even last night, I considered spending the $115 to petition the court to take my father’s name as my maiden name in the traditional fashion – that’s how hung up on trying to move on I have been… It is so frustrating that I am often unable to take my own advice.

Until they recognize their part in this…then there is nothing that has changed and there is nothing left to say.

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16 thoughts on “Exercises in Futility

  1. It has become obvious that no amount of effort on my part will help heal your pain. I’ve been trying, but the blind bitterness that you have developed, and continuing outside influences, are preventing any progress. Only you can determine in your own mind what’s right or wrong from your perspective, and whether or not your decisions result in a clear conscience. I’m giving up on these exchanges for now. But I’m not giving up on you.

    1. I am curious what you mean by outside influences? What specifically are you referring to? Alyssa is correct in everything she has said. No one ever sticks up for her. Always yelling at her whenever she speaks the truth about Clare’s problem. Even other people in that family lash out at ME when I say anything about her. Clare is always defended, Alyssa is always the one being attacked. You are blind if you cannot see that. You want progress? I just gave you a great hint on what you can work on fixing.

  2. Really? Because it sure seems like you’re too proud and stubborn to know when you should have stood up for ME and not the dopehead pill popper. You chose HER. Not me. That’s your problem which has somehow become mine. Nobody stands up for anyone except Clare. She’s always high or pregnant and everyone babies her and gives her what she wants…everyone stands up for her and makes excuses for her.

    What about when I needed defending? What about when I told you what had happened and your words were “Its your own damn fault for loaning her money.”… Yeah, fantastic! Shut up and stick up for the people who are doing the right thing.

    You also will never apologize for the things you say… it’s always things like “I’m sorry YOU felt that way.” Versus legitimately being sorry that you hurt someone.

    P.S.

    I’m not influenced by anyone but myself. Because nobody else talks to me about these things because everyone is tiptoeing around it and doesn’t want to get involved, except my mother obviously. Don’t believe me? Don’t care.

  3. I am sorry if I ever hurt your feelings, both of you, but you have to be sorry for the same. My feelings have been hurt too, but I chose to look at the good in you instead, knowing you love my daughter and didn’t mean she really looks like a monkey.

    As far as blame goes, if Clare doesn’t blame anyone for her mistakes, then why should you? I thought you wanted her to get better and since she is trying and doing good, isn’t that enough? You want people to accept your change, but your not willing to do it for anyone else?

    By your philosophy, then all our uncles and aunts are to blame for the same problems their kids and grandkids have, which I know is bs, and no one treats them that way, including you.

    You want to be defended, but no one defended me or al with the things being said when we were helping to save dad’s life at mom’s request.. And that was the entire family, and yet you didn’t see us demanding an apology or leaving..

    I do want this resolved, I don’t want you feeling as bad as you did when Marilyn died, thats got to be bad, I can use my imagination..

    1. I don’t even know how to respond to that… You hold on to some weird shit.

      It is not so much that “They are responsible”… its that I watched some things go down where the enabling took it to another level… it is seriously in need of some major psychiatric therapy. No joke, pal.

      Secondly, just because YOU are not reacting the way that I am to not being defended, is quite frankly irrelevant. I am entitled to feel how I want and respond in a way that is uniquely different to how YOU react to things that are done to YOU. I really wish somebody would have jumped in when Tom got in my face and told me “Everything started changing and getting fucked up when your mom found out she was adopted!”… Exhibit A for severe need for clinical therapy. Nobody defended her and that is their DAUGHTER. F’ all that. I’m going to defend her now — she has always had a job, she has always taken care of me both with and without help, she was a workaholic, she turned over a new leaf and changed religiously and politically, WHATEVER, she doesn’t agree with Catholicism because she WAS Catholic and so the hell was I and I don’t agree with it either (and I work for a Catholic institution!) but your religion is none of my business…She lives in a house that you guys, to no end, talk shit about and how she made this enormous mistake etc etc, who the fuck cares? You don’t have to live in it!! An eleven year old responsible for the bullshit that happens in an already dysfunctional family? Give me a break! Laughable. But I digress since you were not there to hear all of this argument..

      As a grown woman I know now why Marilyn had to do what she did… because after a while you can only stand to see the ones you love self destruct and take so much abuse before you must back out and give them enough space to hit the bottom and figure out which way is up. I no longer fault her for it, because I live it – I know it.

      Clare WAS definitely enabled and on multiple occasions in Grandma’s kitchen proved to me that they were going to enable her to the grave if somebody didn’t stop everyone involved.

      You didn’t care if nobody stood up for you, I do. Because I’m the one doing the right thing, I expected to be stood up for… Maybe for once the enablers stand up to the person who has been using everyone for years…. and before you guys start judging people like you know shit… AML told me she wished she would have just given Clare the money when she called asking for it then our family wouldn’t be dealing with what we are right now. So how’s THAT for all of the people you think talk shit about you behind your paranoid backs.

      Get over yourselves. Until I see legitimate and obvious change or effort, there is, again, nothing left to say. I’m a grown woman, not a teenager, I’m not a naive idiot. Well – at least not anymore!

      1. I did care, and it still bothers me, but I had to let it go because it was killing me and because I love my family.

        I can blame your mom for her words to me most of my childhood ” We were fine financially until you two were born, they should’ve stopped with me”..

        You can’t and don’t see the legitimate progress thats been made cuz you’re not around to see it..

      2. Emily, I have a hard time believing a lot of the stuff you say. Especially since a lot of the things people say YOU have said – I can hear you saying… but almost none of the things YOU say that OTHER PEOPLE say… I can almost never hear them saying… True or not – all of this is irrelevant. You’re not telling me that I am not allowed to feel a certain way.

        By the way, don’t imply that I don’t “love my family” because I refuse to be a part of the explosion that is Clare.

        Thank her for that. I’m taking care of my own shit. Still waiting for Tom to finish his sentence on how “dysfunctional” I am. That makes me laugh hard enough to feel like I could pee my pants sometimes. I think we both know why…

        Everything Clare said you said about Robert — is pretty much believable since you hinted to it that night at New Years.

        You’re not pulling the wool over my eyes. This isn’t about YOU, so let’s not make it about YOU.

  4. Emily, you’re really working that degree in Theatrics. Monkeys are cute as hell. I’m sorry if that offended you, but I’m not a bitch like that. You think so apparently. Totally misconstrued on your end. You obviously seek the worst in me unlike the best like you said.

    Rhiannon looked like an asian redhead when she was born.
    Flynn look like a skinny Alfalfa from The Little Rascals?
    Insults? Seriously?

    Oy…

    1. and those ARE MY KIDS!!! I looked like a fat red-skinned Cone head Indian!!! .. I love my kids, but if people can’t handle a little fun razzing, then they take life way too damn seriously…. Give me a break on the alleged “insults”…..

      1. I AM NOT A LIAR. It’s obvious you don’t know me if you think that. Don’t tell me what was said when you weren’t there.. Just as you don’t want to be told how to feel, neither do I.
        This isn’t about me, but you have made it that by your accusations. I will no longer let you drag me into the past. I don’t live there anymore.

        I love both you and your mom, but I can no longer go to your place of hatred that you have for this family.

      2. Yep… You don’t live here… You all live in a world where you don’t have to stand up for each other and you can treat each other however you want with no repercussions. Grandpas last comment that I sent to the trash called me a dishonest vengeful hateful person. Dishonest? No. Still pissed that I was approached with an opportunity for resolution and everyone is still delusional and thinks they can say and do whatever and then life goes on?? Yeah.

      3. Maybe YOU don’t live in the past Emily, but a lot of things from that past is obviously still causing Alyssa pain. If you honestly cared about her or wanted to fix things do NOT disregard her feelings on the matter. We do not have any hatred for the family, we cannot stand the way you are defending, helping a drug abuser. When Alyssa shows any concern about that person and wants to get them help, she is the one attacked. Why is that? Because she speaks the truth and it can’t be handled? Alyssa does not lie, she has very good intentions behind everything she does. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. If I had fought her in the past like you guys are right now, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

  5. You can’t ask for someone to not disregard your feelings when you don’t give them the same courtesy. EVERYONE wanted her to get help but you can’t make someone until they are ready. She has done so while you all have been gone, and so far it’s gone well, and if that is what she wants, why not accept it? EVERYONE has past things that are painful, no one is immune from that.. You can’t ask for ‘certain’ apologies, when you haven’t given them yourself.. Things said and done to my parents by you that have been just as bad as july haven’t been apologized for either. Treat people how you want to be treated is something Alyssa always liked to do, but isnt right now. I do care, and hope one day you’ll see that..

    1. Remember, you were the one who came to this blog and started posting. We had already severed ties. Don’t come in here acting like we owe you anything. We learned we can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves and have removed ourselves from the situation. You obviously want some kind of resolution, and I have given suggestions on that. If you don’t want to do it, then leave this blog and stay out of our lives. We are perfectly fine. Thanks!

    2. I like you have turned this whole situation around into it being my fault and now you guys are the victim. You’ve all been taught very well how to play this game. Fantastic. Now YOU guys are the victims… if I wasn’t so pissed right now, I’d laugh out loud.

      I won’t stoop to your level any longer. You guys live in an imaginary world – hence why you’re all so secluded and have difficulty maintaining relations with the family.

      If you guys didn’t talk shit about everyone and harbor bad behavior – then you would likely all be a lot happier.

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