I always want resolution…
I don’t want things to be out there floating in the great abyss, I want it fixed… but only if the fix meets my standards or else I feel incomplete.
I want to believe that everyone is mostly good and that is my biggest downfall…but I have never lived that way in practice. I don’t trust easily and I have a pretty keen bullshit detector. I trust my spouse and a few close friends and family members, but other than that you can pretty much assume that I don’t trust you and that you have yet to give me a reason to trust you. I don’t let people get very close to me for this reason exactly.
After my maternal Grandmother died and I was left with no resolution after trying to fix things with no response… it left me with the ultimate punishment… unfinished business. Though my Grandfather and I cried into a glass of wine about how proud of me she would be and how forgiveness and resolution was so close before the ‘accident’ and that I have done everything she has ever wanted for me… it helped me moved on….but it still isn’t her words.
I wanted to change people. I want to make people understand that they are accountable for 90% of the bad things that happen to them. There is no ‘omen’, no ‘bad luck’… and the same for ‘good luck’… It is you. It is all you. What kind of Social Worker in Training would I be if I believed that I would be counseling my future clients on “Bad luck, omens, victimization and when they win the lottery things will be better.” Time to put your big boy/girl panties on and grab the bull by the horns. If I can do it, so can they…
Burned me once, shame on you. Burned me twice, shame on me.
I don’t generally give people the opportunity to burn me twice because I hit the door before they have the opportunity. I may be terrible at holding grudges but I am always willing to move on and forgive and preach forgiveness if they show legitimate progress. Nothing is different, nothing has changed – there is no moving forward. Nobody admits their part in this game. Everyone is a victim. Nobody enabled her. And yet…. nobody stood up for me. “It’s your own damn fault for loaning her money.” AND YET —- their actions that contributed to her downward spiral, are not part of that “fault”. Enabling is defined by Webster as:
Definition of ENABLE
Alyssa is not a victim. I am not a product of my upbringing (to reference a previous post). Alyssa, Yeah, I’m speaking in 3rd person, sue me, also does not enable people. You are responsible for your part in this. If you don’t agree then there is nothing more to be said…Family stands up for family even if it is in the face of adversity when other family is also involved. Nobody stood up for me. I was just another snob, I guess.
I’m feeling bitter still and you’d think 7 months would have helped… but it hasn’t. This continues to hurt my Mother because she wants to see me be better and not be so depressed about this… but you can’t change your family.
At one point, maybe even last night, I considered spending the $115 to petition the court to take my father’s name as my maiden name in the traditional fashion – that’s how hung up on trying to move on I have been… It is so frustrating that I am often unable to take my own advice.
Until they recognize their part in this…then there is nothing that has changed and there is nothing left to say.