Had a REALLY rough and challenging day at work today but was commended by both of my superiors for the way I handled everything under immense stress – AND was able to pull everything off on time with little/no help. It was pretty awesome!…but still tiring… (Why am I awake at 11:56PM?) Oh yeah, I had class until 9:30PM and didn’t get home until 10PM… Whew, this Mama has a full FULL plate… but I don’t know that I’d have it any other way. Being busy keeps me from succumbing to depression or other blah behaviors. Staying busy keeps me motivated to continue to do good things with my life.
Also, today, a really amazing gift was handed to me. Someone from my past finally responded to my attempts to reconcile our, collective, past. We have all been hurting since she died but I guarantee that this is what she wants… she wants us all to be a family again and I could not agree more given the current state of affairs with relations with others in my extended family.
We never did anything vicious or destructive to hurt each other….when she died, we all kind of fell apart even we were all a little broken beforehand. I can tell that he has been hurting and I can truly feel that pain. Our collective apologies to one another for not seeing that we were both hurting and have issues was what we needed to get to this ‘step’. I have managed to get the rest of the family back on the same page and he was kind of the missing piece of the puzzle. I only hope that we can go forward from here. This has been ultimately a GREAT day…
Pretty amazing how one Facebook message could make your WHOLE day…. maybe even my whole week. I’ve missed them all a lot and let’s face it, I’m the last living female in that lineage…so it’s my duty to try to do exactly what he has been needing and that is to keep her memory alive. We spent Thanksgiving together but it was very hard for all of us…adjusting.
So here goes…. Step #1 to keeping your memory alive.
I will NEVER look at track suits, big earrings, high heels and red lipstick the same ever again…because nobody else could do it the way you could!
I do, indeed, hope that I making you proud, because I know that you would tell me you were proud of me if you were still here… you would have let our past rest and you would have been proud of my adult self and my accomplishments. To sum it up: You were pretty awesome and I hope that this is the FIRST of many steps that we take as a family to rebuild what you left behind. You would have wanted to see us together and looking out for one another instead of divided.
Sometimes I ask myself what you would have done in any given situation and I know that persisting to break down these barriers of hurt and separation (after we have gotten through the initial growing/healing/anger process that comes naturally). You and I never got that chance…we were still in the “anger” segment of our process when you died… I can’t go back and most days when I think about it, like today, it really kind of crushes my spirit… but I won’t let that happen with the remainder of us, because it is very apparent that we all still love each other a lot and want to make all of us whole again.
I’m not going to say “Rest in Peace”….because she was a self-proclaimed socialite and ‘peace’ isn’t any fun!!! 😉 She would definitely prefer ‘fun’ over ‘peace’. ❤