I am not very good at hiding my feelings… If I am angry, I am generally one to show it (except at work, I’ve managed to make the connection that certain emotions are not appropriate in the workplace and I have become pretty fabulous at swallowing them until I am in a more appropriate place to experience said emotions, because let’s face it my work is my livelihood and I am not willing to risk it.)
But… when I am in a place that feels ‘safe’ to me I tend to let it go.. sadness, anger, frustration…
Knowing what could be on the horizon for my relatives (since I have made the division between what is ‘family’ and what are ‘relatives’, Robert and my children are my family, ‘relatives’ hold a relation but don’t serve a major function in my life) I am not sad, I am not scared… I am not depressed or in crisis mode. They may see this as me being an ice queen, but the reality is that I changed how I saw these people a long time ago to protect me from ever being hurt by them again and yes, I was indeed blatantly hurt and disregarded. The only way I knew how to keep myself from continuously reliving this experience… I put them in a little jar, put a lid on them and moved them out of my field of view. It doesn’t mean that I stopped caring for them, I just stopped loving the people they have become… which was a devastating process for me.
I have known for a very long time that they would never own, or be held accountable, for their actions…up until July of last year I kept pushing – thinking that I could evoke some kind of change in them, but so far nothing. Their words have been hollow.
It is maddening to know that when I was a kid – I was very close to my Grandfather and as soon as I was old enough to step back and see the madness and absolute chaos that everyone lived in (it is no wonder they all have stress, anxiety, and paranoia problems) it was NOT O.K. anymore and thus — *I* was not O.K. to them anymore. I chose happiness. Happiness is what I have. I have made it this far because of my push for success and happiness. I am not stopping now… The more and more I progress beyond anything that any of them have achieved in their lives — I am more of an outcast and it is painful. We are supposed to lift up our loved ones when they are doing great things with their lives — not reward the ones whose behavior is poor and dangerous and disregard the ones who are standing tall and making something of themselves.
I do hope he comes to his senses and realizes that I am not in the wrong… I am not the one who owes anyone an apology and that he should have fought for my honor and the honor of his oldest daughter who isn’t perfect by any means — but means well and is making acceptable decisions with her life. Coddling the addict has alienated the ones who are legitimately willing to strengthen the family has certainly done more harm than good. Look at us now.
Again, I hope he comes to his senses — but from the phone call I got last night it is pretty clear he did not send his wife to my ear because he needed to make peace with me… she came to me knowing I should know what is going on — but I told her it doesn’t change a lot for me just because the unknown is on the doorstep. He has to be at peace with himself and recognize that nobody is going to crawl back to the chance of being devastated once again… I’ve walled it all up because it has been the safest thing for me to do. I do often miss the idea of what kind of family we could have been had everyone not been so blameful, shameful, and vindictive.