Sometimes choices are not choices at all…


The choice to end my marriage was not an easy one.

It was likely the hardest decision I have ever made up to this date. I spent months trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why could I just not make myself happy and convince myself that having very little in common wasn’t a big deal and that I could work with it – it would be fine. My children’s father, and husband of nine years, is a great person. Good to me. Good to our kids. Provider and genuinely a good person – you won’t hear me say anything bad about him. We just lack the “mesh” that holds a couple together… the things that you both love and share together, aside from children, that keep you bonded and enjoying life together. I decided I really – really – needed that because I having been missing it for a long time.

I tried to convince myself that my kid’s stability was more important — but I couldn’t quite utter the words “stay together for the kids”… because I knew I’d be a miserable bitch of a Mother and that just isn’t what I want…Who wants that? Not me. I lived that life… as the child in the situation – I won’t live it now on the flip side with my children.

Today, I meet with the attorney. Our split is amicable and he is being great in taking the kids on nights when I have class and working with me on swapping days when I have things planned far out on the calendar and letting the dog out for me on the nights when I have class, too. There is going to be a lot of emotional healing we both have to do. There are a lot of hurt feelings on both sides – but I think we are both mature enough to get through it. We married so young, I don’t think either of us realized that in our mid and late twenties we might not be the same people we were then (this is a given… but it isn’t something you can foresee happening when you’re caught up in it).

I like going out and doing things and being outdoors and spending time with friends and doing hobbies that I have neglected for years simply because I like doing things in pairs… I like doing some of my crafty hobbies alone, but I would like some things to do with another person. I’d like to have a similar sense of humor with someone and laugh about things. Find something that starts out as a friendship and blossoms into something else… maybe I am being an idealist. But – I believe in it. I believe there are a million compatible people out there for you and that there is no one soul mate for you, relationships take work and kindness and understanding, however, that being said I think there are some important points to companionship that a relationship cannot be missing and unfortunately though my ex and I were a “power couple” so to speak, we were missing the “stuff”. We pulled ourselves out of abject poverty and made something of ourselves, however, the essential mixture of chemistry and things in common we didn’t have to make it work…

Each day that passes is getting easier… I am sleeping better. I am spending more time focusing on some of my hobbies. The kids and I are spending more time together watching movies, etc, and hopefully when it isn’t so hot we can get some zoo days in. ❀ I think I am going to be OK.

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