The citation for my recent, pending, divorce is that there is a lacking of companion ship and romantic connection. Like I wrote before – we were a fantastic power couple. We produced results. Period. We were the generation who came of age during the economic crash- we were molded into versatile survivors who made things happen regardless of how difficult things got. We figured it out. We were resourceful.
…However, that is not enough to maintain a happy marriage. Sure it is a huge part of it, it is not the mesh that holds it all together. I knew that once the kids were grown and gone, our marriage would have been in dire straits; there would have been nothing left forcing us together. Kids aren’t an acceptable reason to stay married if nobody is happy.
While our divorce is amicable and things are moving forward and the judge will sign off on it the end of this month — we are exploring our dating options, both of us, as we see fit. There is no cookie cutter mold for how people move on or how soon they feel ready to date again. Given that I have been mentally deposing this divorce for months now before coming out with it – it has been quicker for me to move on since I had already been working this out for quite some time.
Now, my dilemma is this: How do you read other people with whom you do not have 11 years of comfort and knowledge of their every move, thought, feeling, etc? My ex and I were predictable to one another because we knew. How do we know learn to read new people?
And secondly, how do fall in love again knowing that there are some really frightening, manipulative, and damaging people out there in the pool of daters..? You know, the ones who come off fabulous, when in reality they are playing dipstick with several other females? Or… the ones who know you have fake boobs and just want one opportunity to get a peek or cop-a-feel? YUCK!
How do you weed them out?
I plan on, and have been, very up front… I don’t need a commitment right now, but what I need to know is that it is potentially on the table in the foreseeable future – and “foreseeable” in normal people’s definitions… not in “Crazy Girl” definitions, because to some crazy girls that could mean two minutes after you meet each other – or even two months… but foreseeable to me means it is on the table and not dangled like a carrot out there always just out of reach.
We’ve all got baggage, we all carry bullshit. The real ‘loves’ of your life will accept that baggage, embrace it for all that it is because you’re worth it. I want that. I want to give that, too. We can’t all be so guarded that we are too afraid to fall for anyone else… There is no one soul mate out there for us, because what are the chances that all of these married people in St. Louis’ soulmates just happened to also live right here?! There are several out there for all us – but is it really soulmates? Or is it a ‘click’ – something that indicates a compatible match?
How do you rope your feelings back when you know you are starting to fall for somebody and you fear that your heart could get broken and then there is no turning back? How much of our emotions are really in our control? Generally, when you feel something… it goes something like “Huh! – What is this tingly feeling in my stomach? Oh you want to hold my hand? You like me? I like you too! Oh Hi there swimming feeling in my head whenever you are around!” Then that’s all she wrote… you spend the rest of your time convincing yourself it is too soon to love somebody, it is too soon to connect with somebody and you make a million excuses to push very real feelings away – on purpose. (Who does this?!… ok, a lot of people, including me.) You swallow it back and pretend like you are protecting yourself… when in reality – it’s too late. Your pheromones, hormones, emotions, chemistry, connections and compatible personalities have chosen for you.
You might be scared – they might be too – but there is no choosing when you fall in love, even if you are guarded like Fort Knox. You aren’t in control. I’ve written blog posts before about how much control we actually have over what we feel… We are in the backseat while somebody else is driving. You know it, I know it — we all know it.
However, for now – you will continue to feel them out and wait for an opportunity to prove your emotions wrong – but if it doesn’t come, you’re in trouble. And kind of smitten.
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Didn’t somebody tell that to the hare when he was racing the tortoise?
I think so. I’ll take the advice into close consideration.