Oh, in your dreams you’ll find out, though it’s not quite how you remember, oh, in your dreams you’ll find out…everything’s greener… you’re still hard to please.
I have no idea where to even begin. There has been so much constant change in my life lately. I feel free. I feel like everything I am letting go of is lifting weights off of my shoulders… making me feel so much lighter. I am focusing much more on letting go of the weights and my incessant desire to make others happy and not myself — and it feels great.
There is a fella in my life that I just seem to click with – we seem to have a mutual understanding of one another and our situations. I like him – a lot – we’ll see where this goes. We shall see, indeed. He’s easy on the eyes, he makes me laugh and he misses me when we don’t see each other for a few days. So far, I’ll take it. Slow and steady wins the race, right? (His words, not mine, but essentially – I agree, I’ve just come out of an ~11 year relationship, 9 year marriage. Neither of us want to make the same mistakes again with choosing compatible partners.)
I have decided that I cannot change my family and letting go of the weights of refusing to forgive them for all of this time. I can’t keep dragging with these weights around my neck, it is painful and I am at a point in my life where I have to either let it go and move forward or stay behind and let it hold me down. It was good to see them all last weekend – and I am happy – I am in a place where it no longer takes priority to me to fix everyone else to save them from pain and despair, etcetera etcetera. I am in a place where focusing on me is priority #1 (Well, yes, obviously there are kids involved and they are also the priority – but without a content and happy mother, how can I guide them properly?) I cannot carry anyone else’s burdens any longer. I have to be free of all of that and let it all go. The two people who seemed to do the most damage and the most harm – versus the other players – are still not welcome in my life. They owe me an immense apology. I don’t need the $150 bucks. I am now a single divorcee – surviving on one income and I still do just fine without their pay back. What I wanted was for them to see the terrible and hateful text messages they sent and feel remorse for their actions, but they never will and until that day comes we will remain estranged. That one, I won’t budge. They need my forgiveness, not the other way around. We saw one another but did not even so much as make eye contact. It will likely stay this way, especially on my end. I don’t take kindly to poor things about my kids. I’ll rip you to pieces! 😉
Anyway… I am finding that the Grass is Greener syndrome that I was previously diagnosed with may not really be the case… It may just have been that I didn’t know what any grass looked like other than this one little patch I had been nurturing for many years… Many years… I didn’t know other grass even existed outside of my own little yard. That’s an important piece of the puzzle. All of this is representative of something bigger and this divorce is really indicative of never being able to see whats out there, fall in love, feel something real – something adult – something compatible. (At least, something that starts out as an adult relationship.) I regret nothing in my life, everything that is here, is here for a reason. Everything in my life is a part of something bigger to me. Something meaningful. These days a lot of things are more meaningful than they ever used to be. Going from a four bedroom house to a two bedroom townhouse with not much a yard and no furniture for the deck – is not greener at all – so… the grass isn’t exactly greener on this side of the fence in that respect. But, I am happier – more content. Each day holds its own individual challenges, but we get by. We make it.
Tomorrow morning… Gym by 6:30AM – so I should probably go to bed… today was quite nice, a relaxing day with the beau – had lunch together and went on a search for toys for our boys birthdays. (Which are a week apart) and had quite a bit of fun in Toys R Us. Then ‘window shopped’ for a couple hours. Went out to dinner and went to the movies. 🙂 I find simpler days like this mean the most to me in the grand scheme of things.