There is risk in everything. Everything we do – every single decision we make – whether it be a well thought decision or one that is done on a whim.
Lately, I have found myself circling through the “What ifs” of everything that I have a hard time enjoying “living” in the moment. I had my whole life planned out before – literally, everything was planned down to the month or time of year practically. That was what I did – I planned everything out and it made me feel safe and secure like a swaddled infant. It was what I believed my version of “happiness” was… at the time. Until I started to realize that it was not happiness at all… Once we decided to divorce and I moved out on my own I was left feeling frightened and vulnerable – not being a single Mom- but being “planless”. I had no plan anymore – except to finish my degrees. That was it.
I was left reeling – wondering what there was out there for me to plan on – and even if I did plan on it, could it all come together the way that I envisioned it or would it come together – then fall apart again – putting my makeshift plan off for several more years? How does one cope with the uncertainty of the future?… especially knowing that there is no reset button – no way to go back in time and change anything that you have previously done up to that point. I have no regrets. The decisions I have made – have been the right ones – right now – but the question is… what is to come and will I be amply prepared financially – and emotionally – to handle everything that gets thrown my direction? Right now, I think the answer is yes, but perhaps all of these other things are left up to the universe to surprise me with. Perhaps it will all work out as I am envisioning it at this moment and I will have wasted countless nights awake and wondering for nothing? I guess that’s the mystery of it all.
On “living”… this weekend the boyfriend and I went out to dinner Saturday night and had a nice time (even if he did embarrass me at dinner a handful of time haha)- we spent Sunday morning lazing about watching comedy shows, it was blissful. 🙂 Saturday night, he made a very small gesture – that was actually very big to me – showed me that I was indeed important to him. He’s a sweetie. ❤