You know, it’s a funny thing about divorce…
You weigh out all of these pro’s and con’s and all of the options and what it means to your kids, your finances, your future, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, your families… but rarely do we stop and define it for ourselves. We put it in a box and compartmentalize it for others and allow it to label us. “Divorced”. We might even change our Facebook relationship status (and make it “Facebook official”) to “Divorced”. We are labeled but rarely, from what I’ve learned from others and myself in similar situations, do we actually try to figure out what it really means for us.
Once my ex started dating – I knew that I just wanted him to be happy too. I knew that the divorce meant, for him, the opportunity to be with someone who is more suitable for him – and that everyone would be happier with new spouses that allowed the divorcing parent to relax a little bit and not be so stressed about the incompatibility of their current situation.
My kids seem to like her and she seems to treat my ex well so all is fine in my book – but I never quite realized how territorial I was… by pure instinct – not because I have anything against either of them. But now that they are spending time together as a collective in the house that I bought, that we bought, that I painted, that we remodeled, that still has some of the things I purchased in it – playing board games with my kids that I bought… it’s like standing outside of the window on the front porch of 507 and looking inside and seeing my family… without me in it. I was the “lady of the house” so to speak, I made most of the major decisions and I was, obviously, the Type A Alpha Female – minus any meanness. I just took control. Now, it is putting into a defined status for me… I keep having this urge in my gut to go “HEY! That is MY house – Those are MY kids! That’s MY couch! Those are MY board games!” Like a stammering toddler throwing a fit – but I reel myself back and obviously – logically – I know I don’t really feel like that – it is purely some sort of odd animal instinct that is a concoction of adrenaline and other such hormones.
The hardest thing is the realization that with my current situation on my end – that I am their only family to come home to. I am a working Mother – I go to school full time as well and I don’t have as much time to sit around and paint nails and go out to eat and do fun things like they do because I am striving for something more – something stable and something that my children can be proud of and aspire to. Naturally, that makes it harder for me to accept it all.
I knew, and know, that my ex and I are not meant to be, I’ve wanted him to find somebody and be happy – it’s the situation that makes it hard for me to be an outsider. I never thought of how my idea of a family would be redefined for me – I was constantly trying to analyze the impact on others instead.
I have had to made the conscious daily decision to not let the word ‘divorce’ become a constantly “defining” process in my life – but with that, I certainly needed to have a “Come to Jesus” type discussion with myself, inner monologue, about how to figure out WHAT it means for me – and end it there so the label does not becoming ‘all consuming’. I am still my children’s Mother – and I always will be.
Now… where’s my “I’m #1!” shirt?………… 😉