This post is going to be strictly stream-of-consciousness style and it is going to move quickly. Dare to keep up, or don’t. I see how many hits my blog gets per day – so clearly some of you care, right?! Perhaps this is strictly for my own therapy?
First of all, nine years – Rest in Peace. I still miss you – I still never got closure. It still sucks, the more I accomplish in life that I wish you could see. I want to make you proud and the worst part of you being gone is that I cannot show you that I am becoming the accomplished individual you hoped I would.
Things move too fast. I have to learn to let it go – I cannot control that situation anymore – I need to focus solely on myself and MY children and my relationships.
How do we know that anything is going to “work out”? I think this question is bigger to us than the meaning of life – How do we know if something is going to “work out” or if all of the hard time we have put into something is for nothing? I tend to throw myself into things – head first. And it often leads me to heartbreak or defeat – depending on the situation. There are two things that I know to be fact. I am a good person and I always have the best intentions. Ok, let’s add a third that I have figured out post-divorce, I love too hard with wild abandon – with no fear that I may get hurt. Is that bad? I haven’t decided yet. I know that now I push for intimacy and closer connections more so than I ever did before – whether I will succeed at that or fail – I don’t yet know. Perhaps I am indeed a glutton for punishment when I can’t/don’t/won’t gain the deeper connections that I desire with other humans (any relationship type, not just those of the romantic variety – though those are in the forefront of my mind as of late).
Ok, fine – I really didn’t know where I was going with this post…
Short answer: No, clearly, we don’t know. Clearly, there are still so many answers to be had.