I am packing things up.
Unlike any move I have ever done in the past with my ex-husband — I am doing this one over the course of time and very organized. All the boxes are labeled with what is inside and what rooms the things belong in at the new house, etc.
I am not hating on my ex-husband but, here let me give you an example, when we moved out of this townhouse (the one I presently live in) and into the house (the one he lives in) we were getting down to the final little bit of the unpacking. He wanted to wait until the last minute because he didn’t want to pack anything that he might use before we moved. FINE! I was anxious about it, but whatever. So, when it finally came down to the hustle and packing – he was not nearly as organized as I was. Which today – I laugh about post-divorce – when we were married I did not laugh about it. When we moved into our house – we started unpacking as soon as all of the painting was done. I found a trash can – not with trash in it – with shower rings, hangers, and cat food in it. WTF?! Those three things were not even in the same room at the townhouse. I could not figure out HOW those three things got put into one container – more the less a trash can. What a crazy mess!
So now that it is just me… I am trying to be super organized. Putting like things together and such – separating the boxes by rooms.
I have packed away most of all of the breakable items and now I am down to the walls. I started taking the photos of all of the people I love off the walls and all of the normal angst and force I had when it came to this packing – started to dwindle. I became overwhelmed with anxiety and though I kept going – it made me feel uncomfortable and it made me feel like I was no longer at home – and let’s face it this place is still my home until Friday. I feel uncomfortable and out of place. Like this is definitively an apartment that is not mine – that doesn’t belong to me – that doesn’t have the memories of my family in it. This is the townhouse where the boy rolled over for the first time, where he had his first Christmas. I have been back here twice, but the reality is sinking in that I will never be back here again and I will need to say goodbye to the physical place where I gained my independence and some memories that I have been holding on to.
I will press on and continue to make the walls bare.
Today I took the kids for a drive past the new house and their new school – after a fun day of playing in the snow with The Hunk and his boy – the girl said it was such a beautiful neighborhood and she loved her school and that it made her want to cry because it was like the movies. That warmed my heart and reminded me that I was indeed making the right move for them. They need to have a happy childhood in a place that feels like home even if their parents are divorced and life is changing at a pace likely unforeseen by other divorced families.
This is the right move and people often do not give me credit for the thoughts that go on behind my eyes that I do not share. Everything is a process and a science for me – I am breaking everything down into parts inside my head and checking everything for compatibility and testing everything for weakness. I talk a LOT but there is a lot that I do not share that has been worked out inside my head. If we have met and you think I have not broken our relationship down into a compatible science and given it a purpose – you’re wrong – or we haven’t met. 😉