When my paternal Grandmother passed, we were not speaking, I was pregnant with my daughter, who is now 9, and it was a very awful event in my life… No closure.
After my two very recent break ups from people whom I adored, one that I loved deeply but did not treat me appropriately, and another that I believed to be Mr. Right who decided overnight that all of the things he knew that I wanted – he wasn’t sure that he wanted…well, ever. I think it came down to the fact that I had kids, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted a non-traditional household with kids that were not his… and maybe part of it was that when I fall in love I get that stupid feeling like in the movies where I want to stand outside people’s windows, like in Say Anything, and blast it from a boom box. Stupid girl nonsense… and he didn’t understand that. Fine.
…Long story short, I had a very public nervous breakdown, especially after the first and longest… and I got some advice from my paternal Uncle, my Dad’s brother, my late Grandmother’s youngest son… that she had given him in years past.
“You can drop your sword, but never drop your shield.”
And it appears that no matter how much very deep and serious advice that came at me from all angles, even some unexpected angles… I didn’t listen to any of it. Charming. Things are different. He never forgave himself for how he left me before. Convincing, and cunning… but when it comes down to it. He was exactly the same. Letting me sit around and wait, while he played the field to see if he could find something better than me, a second time, knowing that loving him had crippled me from action.I dropped my sword and my shield. What a dumb girl I am and he certainly will exploit it, again… and pretend as if he did nothing wrong.
I’m sorry to those who gave me glorious advice after they had recovered from their own pain, and I did not listen. I am sorry that I didn’t listen… but perhaps you know how this story ends —- so you know, maybe it is you, who are all sorry for me.
Love makes us do stupid things, like believing we are well, moved on, recovered from the worst fall of their lifetime —- only to find themselves right back there, uncertain of the unhealthy ways in which you will hit the ground once you finally come to terms with what has transpired. Again.