You Can Lead a Man to Water…

…but you cannot make him care about you, or your feelings.

This was the first Christmas that I spent “alone” with my children. I nearly did not attend lunch with my Italians because I am having a hard time being with people right now, being in public and not crying when people hug me or try to make me feel better.

It is starting to become exhausting… “But you’re so smart… you’re so pretty, and you have a nice house, and you’re independent, surely someone will appreciate that.”… like that solves the pain a person is drowning in, and makes them feel more worthy of the love of another person. Especially, the person that they want to love them the most.  It was lovely, again, for a month, while it lasted, I was finally learning to live in the moment, and not put any unrealistic expectations on a relationship; he was kind, sweet, and comforting in my hour of need. And like a switch went off, he was back to his old self of devaluing me and removing any level of emotions or intimacy with me and blaming it on “stress”. To him, I will always be less green of all of the pastures available to him.

I am sorry that I didn’t listen to you.

My kids had a lovely Christmas this morning at my place, I tried. I fake my happiness long enough to stave off the depression… They told me Santa did well. I may be lost in my own depression, but I am still desperately trying…..


5 thoughts on “You Can Lead a Man to Water…

  1. Thank you, Brian. I have had a terribly difficult time letting this man go for the better part of a year and a half. It didn’t matter how many other women he left me for, or cheated on me with, *my* Brian could not make me not love him, no matter how hard he tried. However, the final text that said he never had any intention of marrying me and that he was just wasting my time… stuck me in the chest where it hurt. Maybe I could understand if I was awful to him – but I was always loyal and good… there were others in between the times we were together, but I have always magnetically gone back to this man… even after 7 months of therapy, I still went back to him. Like a fool. I should have listened to the warning that was given to me in my darkest hour about this man…

    However, now here I am. No matter how pretty, funny, and self sufficient you are — its an impossible world out there for single mom divorcees.

    I am an awful wrecked mess and a part of me is having a hard time believing my ‘one’ exists. Anywhere.

  2. We all do foolish things in the name of love. I was in a really bad, dysfunctional relationship for eight years. We split up a couple of times and always wound up getting back together. We were both so codependent it was sickening. I finally ended it for good almost nine years ago and never looked back.

    Fast-forward a while and I met my current partner online. We hit it off immediately and decided to meet in real life. We have been inseparable ever since. I don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed in that bad relationship.

    I said all that to make this point: even when it seems that you have reached the bottom and your prospects are nil, all hope is not lost. You will meet someone, but you have to put yourself out there in order for that to happen. That is the hard part, because you are opening yourself up to the possibility of more pain.

    I have had several bad relationships in my life, but they all helped me grow and appreciate the good that eventually comes my way. Try to think of your last relationship as a learning experience that will help you recognize the One when you see him. 😉

    1. I know, you’re right, but I have a very hard time letting go of someone that I put so much love, care, and concern into for the better part of a year and a half… I could be dead by now, within minutes of our last texts sent —- and he would not have even been slightly concerned. He begged for forgiveness, then repeated the SAME thing again… Grass is greener on the other side of the fence syndrome. He admitted he had such a problem with the divorce of his first wife. “This is my grass is greener…” and admitted he was a tortured soul because he left her because she wasn’t good enough… and then years later realized, she was. I’m not in the place yet to be as happy, as, perhaps, she is now… but I can tell you his psychological torment is pretty ridiculous. He doesn’t value you anyone and he doesn’t see cheating as wrong. I should have walked when he looked over at me on the couch in his old apartment and said “Ok…. but why is cheating “Wrong” if you don’t believe in a higher power?”…………. I loved him so much, I wanted him to pick me for so long…. and for what? Years more of emotional torment of a man that as soon as you have one disagreement —- you’re gone. He talks through nothing. The more you love him, the more you try to love him, the more he pushes you away. And to be told he never had any intention of marrying me…well, ever…. hit me in the gut in the most worthless – awful – unworthy way. And to have someone be so cold to me when I have never even so much as raised my voice to him…..I pity the poor soul that ends with his man. When we started dating he said “I’ve been in need of changing… so this is good.” He used to kiss me in the aisles of craft stores or thrift stores, that we frequented, at random… then I discovered all of his dark past and he used that as a pass to treat me like expendable garbage. Thank you, Brian. I need the words right now. I’ve been in bed for, perhaps two weeks, kind of wasting away… uncertain of what/if the future holds anything for me.

      I truly wish I would have listened to the person who gave me excellent tried and true advice. Because this…. is quite awful and here I am again. I want to apologize, but I know she likely feels sorry for my pathetic ass for going back to the man that I falsely believed to be my best friend. When in reality, he was just… an unfeeling awful cheating asshole.

      1. Alyssa, my heart breaks for you.. I know EXACTLY what you feel. Sounds like they are all the same man. Only, mine I knew 24 years. There was about six years we went our own way, I walked away in the past upon the discovery of his multiple relationships. Over the past few years he was coming back into my life, only for me to discover he did the same exact stuff and hurt me even more, even though I was being careful, I tried to give him a break and see how long this would go on as I was distracted by some other weird similar circumstances – he tried to do me favors making it look like he was a safe zone, but far from it. I had to tell him game over finally. It hurt so bad because I never really stopped loving him. Suddenly, after I discovered his secret of leading a double life AGAIN, and watching him as I filled him in on what I knew, it was like looking at someone I had never seen before. That moment and the sight of him is what I hold onto to keep me away. I now despise the fact that I wanted him so much because he really was more in my life than I ever was in his. I flat out caught him in an attempt to carry on this relationship with me, making me think we were planning to get together in marriage in about the next 4 years.. Funny thing is, he just bought a house with a woman he works with in November. When I asked him repeatedly if there was anything he was keeping from me I observed just how smooth and good he was at presenting as if nothing like that at all existed. I must have tried hinting around about 8 times, until he finally fessed up to a half-truth that he was selling his other home, but that was as far as he was going to take it. Finally I had to spit out all the information that I discovered he was in a relationship with a co-worker. He mentioned all these other women’s names, but NEVER this specific one. It was weird. They are both high ranking P-Officers. I knew I had to get the hell away from him. I never felt so sick inside in my entire life.. It was downright depressing and nauseating to find out this man I had history with was doing this.. So twisted and wrong, I decided not to confront her, because I just don’t have the energy and who knows what her state of mind may be, I could not go there – was so traumatized I had to shut that situation down and RUN! I still feel sick about it everyday it seems. Getting stronger and better – but still! This crap has made me fear people and I was not like this before! :(… I get all those feelings and response you are having very well – I understand and so sorry the man you loved so much treated you this way.. People like that are a tragic human waste! A walking disease. I told him he is someone else’s problem now, not mine and that it’s too bad our relationship/artificial friendship had to fall apart like this. Although I did not want to let him go – I had to… I refuse to be abused, treated poorly, gamed or disrespected like that – I had a deep, loyal love for him like I never had for anyone before, enough to cautiously re-enter my life again, and although I was reluctant and hesitant, he still got to me bad, it was then I realized that even though I thought I had forgot the love I had, it was always there, but I should have never opened that box again even just a little bit.. . He was targeting me the whole time, I don’t want to imagine how I would suffer if something bad happened and I needed him the most, all I can say is I would find myself in a bad place for sure finding out the hard way. I can never trust him again.. I really wanted to be with him too.. I was loyal, patient, gave him freedom, support and understanding.. What did that get me? NOTHING! Never again… He can’t hurt me again that’s for sure.. I really could not believe he returned and befriended me with BS about us getting together when he retires only to find out he had a whole separate relationship and life with his co-worker. So many thoughts went through my mind. I had to think, well even if he ended things with her, I would constantly be insecure because they are so involved in work projects etc.,.. I was so mad and felt duped.. She probably should know because he obviously is using her for something, since they bought a large expensive house together and kept us both well triangulated and in secret. I told him, how could you not tell me, before, during or after the fact, I thought we were supposed to be good friends? He was going to continue this charade and had me thinking we had plans for “our” future in the next four years as I make preparations for us to have a future.. OMG! Hahahahah! I am so freaked out just thinking about how he was deceiving me, the woman he is now working with, and who knows how many others are out there emotionally spinning as well. He mentioned a couple of others, all with the same names apparently.. He’s a pathological liar, so who knows really… I am very angry, sometimes emotional, then happy and relieved, then back to feeling super angry all over again, even though I have a grip on all the facts.. It’s a shame some of these creatures get a way with destroying other peoples lives the way they do and get away with it.. I am truly sorry you are feeling the sting and pain from that man… Awful, just awful to know we shared intimate space with someone who may be capable of who knows what else.. Really makes you feel emotionally, physical and mentally raped all at once.. Powerful stuff – no joke! Extremely confusing and traumatic. Let this be a lesson to reset personal boundaries and live according to gut instinct and feeling because these types have the ability to use their charm and good gestures to makes think that any bad feelings were just irrational thoughts for a moment on our part, but no, we have a gift and need to recognize that when the alarm bells begin to ring – pay attention.. It’s not cool at all having to detox from a bad situation like this, it’s the worst. And yes, they manufacture this crap and somewhere inside it makes them feel powerful, it’s a drug and a rush for them to live on the edge like that knowing danger and drama can be produced, whether it’s their victim committing suicide, or wanting revenge, exposing them, whatever, it’s their sick exciting game and it’s pity, drama, loss and pain they want to see.. Your total despair and destruction is what makes them high.. Indeed!

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