…but you cannot make him care about you, or your feelings.
This was the first Christmas that I spent “alone” with my children. I nearly did not attend lunch with my Italians because I am having a hard time being with people right now, being in public and not crying when people hug me or try to make me feel better.
It is starting to become exhausting… “But you’re so smart… you’re so pretty, and you have a nice house, and you’re independent, surely someone will appreciate that.”… like that solves the pain a person is drowning in, and makes them feel more worthy of the love of another person. Especially, the person that they want to love them the most. It was lovely, again, for a month, while it lasted, I was finally learning to live in the moment, and not put any unrealistic expectations on a relationship; he was kind, sweet, and comforting in my hour of need. And like a switch went off, he was back to his old self of devaluing me and removing any level of emotions or intimacy with me and blaming it on “stress”. To him, I will always be less green of all of the pastures available to him.
I am sorry that I didn’t listen to you.
My kids had a lovely Christmas this morning at my place, I tried. I fake my happiness long enough to stave off the depression… They told me Santa did well. I may be lost in my own depression, but I am still desperately trying…..