It is Winter in St. Louis… and we are all over it.


It is Winter in St. Louis... and we are all over it.

Title is irrelevant to post – maybe just an explanation for being bundled up to my neck in a car with working heat.

Over the last several months I have been going to the dentist getting all sorts of things done. When the ex-sociopath (maybe that is how he will be known from here forward) and I broke up the first time, I noticed he was tanning and whitening his teeth, while we were together (Because he was on Match.com) and so I immediately decided that I needed to be doing the same thing, because “this guy picked me!… And if I don’t stay on top of my pretty-girl game he is going to leave me!” I started whitening my teeth.

Apparently, I have an enamel deficiency where my body leeches the chemical in my body needed to make hardened shiny enamel appear and stay present on my teeth surface. Whitening for weeks and weeks and weeks, made them a lighter shade but severely damaged my already deficient enamel.

So, crowns it was. I chose one of the whiter shades of crowns and right now, 4 of the 6 permanents are on, and two are temps, permanents getting put on next Tuesday and then I will be done.

However, all of that back story is irrelevant, I guess, to why I posted this. People keep telling me that I need to find a good excuse to smile and fake it due to the chemical release in your brain when you smile. Little do these people know that I have been laying in bed wasting away for virtually three weeks since the split 2.0.

“Come on, Alyssa, don’t you know this? You fake it until you make it! … then at that point you’ve faked it long enough to get through the heartbreak and sadness, and you’re through it!” I looked at her, bewildered. How can a deeply honest person “fake” something like happiness? Isn’t that like… lying to the people around you?! I thought to myself. But, no matter how many times I hear it, I know that it might be the only piece of advice that ACTUALLY works for me through these times, well, there has been other advice that helped pull me back from the ledge, but I need to “live and let live”, and try to find some peace within myself.

Perhaps, these gorgeous new teeth are a good reason to smile, even if more often than not I am faking it these days. I do try… but trying is often not my best.

As I look back on 2013, there are about 100 things I would have done differently. I still would have dated the sociopath, and I still would have gotten my heartbroken. However, I would have only let him break it once, and taken the good advice I received in my darkest moments to move on, let go or be dragged, or seek out the brighter future that was certainly promised to me (maybe, right?). I would have spent less time fighting to keep people in my life that clearly did not want to be in it, for a multitude of reasons and in different relationship aspects. I would have spent less time in bed, crying, and less time being anxious, more time in therapy (haha, OK that was partially a joke, but its still probably completely true). More time running. Less time soaked in Cabernet Sauvignon. More time painting. More time decorating my house. And less time alienating my children and my family from my love because my own desperation was more than I could bare.

Today, I am trying to turn over a new leaf… but I am completely uncertain as to whether or not it will work. This could be a day that as I write. I am faking it. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or some day next month, will be the day that I finally “make it” and not have to “fake it.”

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