I heard a million times… “You have to find yourself, learn to be alone, and love yourself, before you can love someone else.”
…but I am going to tell you that there is a STRONG (see, bold!) case for healing “together”.
Perhaps, I should have spent more time alone before moving on after Brian and Christmas Heartbreak 2013 (the day he decided I was no longer good enough to be the girl on the side, and just after I realized I was the girl on the side, again, AND SIMULTANEOUSLY the day he did me a big favor by removing himself from my life), but the truth is, this person, who came along after I was down on my luck, coming out of tormented and superficial relationships that made me look in the mirror and judge my appearance, my cellulite, my c-section scar, the fact that sometimes I am a size 6 when I want to be a size 4… or what have you… This person has helped heal all of that. I have found that healing has not ever happened alone, in my life. Healing only has come about with unconditional love, and support, and a little time.
The boyfriend, to whom I have gushed about my past, just to regurgitate, get it all out there, (and he loves me more than I can even admit, regardless of my history with men) has been entertaining me with eating better, being supportive, going to the gym with me, but most importantly, he knows my love language is words of affirmation (Thanks Gary Chapman, PhD, haha) and he goes out of his way to remind me that I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the world, to him, and that he wished he could force me to see myself how he sees me. I thought that it was lovely and it was never going to help…
I looked in the mirror this morning and for the first time in a long time, thought to myself, you know what, I am doing my best to get to my final destination, I really am so close!…I heard him in my head giving me words of encouragement, words of affirmation, and the image in the mirror suddenly wasn’t as “bad”. He is right. He was right. I thought. This is leftover residual nonsense! I am doing pretty good, he thinks I am beautiful and that my end – result will be just an added bonus for me, not for him, because he already sees me as beautiful.
We introduced our dogs to each other this weekend — and it was touch and go, and its going to take a lot more work going forward to get them into a “pack”. (Silly that the scariest part about all of this was not meeting parents, or introducing my kids, it was our dogs mingling!) And when it went a little rough, I cried, because crying is what I do. I went way off the deep end, (again leftover nonsense of never being good enough for the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past) and blubbered about “If our dogs don’t get along, then you won’t think I am perfect! If everything isn’t exactly how it should be, and we have rough days, you won’t think I am wonderful anymore!” What a cry-baby. He pulled over the car and told me that that was nonsense (not in those words) and that everything was going to be OK and that all he needs, are me, the kids, and “some dogs” (LOL!) to be happy and I should not be a hot-mess over attempt number one.
How lucky I am to have a man who is not afraid to smooth over my rough spots left over from another man I cut out of my life last year. How lucky I am to have someone who loves all my parts and add-ons (kids and dogs, haha!) and how lucky I am to have found this person that makes the future look so bright. Everything just seems to “fit”. His parents are quite lovely and supportive, my kids love him, my parents love him, all of this is made possible by having a strong group to help me heal.
I think there is a serious case for getting help in healing, not everyone has to soul search alone. That is silly. Humans are social creatures by nature, and strongly connected to other humans and would fail to thrive if they had no contact with other humans!
There are lyrics in the song that is named after the day that Drew and I met… And the band who wrote it we saw live in concert…
“I went on the search for something true.
I was almost there when I found you.”
Its true. I was on the search to find myself, figure out what I wanted and what I did not want. What I would put up with and what I wouldn’t put up with, and then here he came along and the healing process has been a less painful, less exhausting experience, because I finally know what it is like to be loved in a really lovely unconditional way. He knows he’s the man of my dreams, and the love of my life, but he also knows that the pain and the tears, are learned experiences from intermittent reinforcement by a sociopath and have nothing to do with present-day. He trusts me, and I know he trusts that that will go away with time and healing… and there is a serious case to be made for how much he has helped me every single day to feel better about myself, feel loved unconditionally, and feel stronger than I ever have before. There is also a case for crying and typing maniacally to your Mother, (Thanks Mom, I love you.) and leaning on her when I could not bare one more day with the pain from the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past, and she and I grew a lot closer because of that experience in my life and my NEED for help getting through the pain. This is likely something I could not have achieved alone. I have a whole lot of plans to spend a long time showing him that same unconditional love and staying close with my parents and the ones who helped me through it all. There is a case to be made for throwing those sayings of “Be alone, and learn to be alone, heal yourself, find yourself, blah blah blah” out the window… because these people (Can’t forget all of the amazing women over at Dating a Sociopath Their support group and their posts are priceless to me.) It has helped talking about it, talking it to death until the pain doesn’t have any power over me anymore, talking with friends, with strangers… beating the dead horse until I finally became so tired of beating it that I was finally ready to fall in love again.
I am registering for the LSAT prep course today, thanks to my amazing grandparents for offering to foot the ginormous tuition cost for the Kaplan prep course, (even after my scholarship was applied!). I am full speed ahead in my final portions of my undergrad and praying that I have the ability to absorb everything in order to get a nice score that I am happy with on my LSAT in September. This is really happening. I shall make my people proud and no matter what happens, be a solid provider. And hell, if I don’t get into SLU LAW — I will go get my Masters and my PhD and continue to be the ambitious chick I am. Onward, homies. 😉