Drew, Robert, Heather, and I are the proud parents of a 6th and a 2nd grader. Girl Child and Boy Child started their year on Monday, at two different schools now, in a flash. My 6th grader ran off into the school and it was over in a flash… just, over! I plan to take her out, maybe this weekend with the big camera and do some portraits of her. What a whirlwind it has been… I am optimistic about this year for my boy, thankfully.
I have never written my vows before…
I acknowledge that I have been married before, however, I have never written my own vows. My ex-husband and I had a pre-defined set of vows that were read for us, pieced together by myself and the Reverend, but nothing like what I will be up against in 45 days. (Yes, all, 45 days… 10-4!)
We decided, with the help of our officiant, that we are designing a secular wedding with our vows being a letter to one another.
How do you write a letter to someone on your wedding day and have it mean something? How do you put into words how much one person has changed the trajectory of your entire life, and cured so much sadness, loss, betrayal, and hurt? How does one put that into words?
I will admit, I have put in roughly 130 work hours in the last two weeks of business days, so I have been trying to find pockets of time to get away from the office to take back some me-time, mostly because I *need* it. I have come to a point in my professional life where I need to mentally recharge alone, whether it be with a book and wine on our deck, or at home zoning out on my laptop, or running, or watching mindless television, or even working on some crafty art stuff. I used to love doing art, but it seems that work and various other commitments (but a lot of it has been wedding stuff) have been drawing my attention away from it. It is peaceful to me… So, in my attempts to get away from the office and take some me time to recoup the many hours I have spent compiling data and working on reports – I have been trying to sit down and write my letter to Drew.
How? I have started writing and backspaced a million times… “This sounds too cheesy. This sounds too intimate… this is an inside joke that none of the 200 people in the crowd are going to understand. This is a run on sentence built on emotional spew. Nope, this has to go because its going to make me cry, well hell, I’ll already be crying. I will probably walk down the aisle crying because of the song.” And then I stop… The person who blogs often, the same person who has written articles for the Associated Press before, writes restaurant reviews almost like its a St. Louis Religion — cannot accurately put her feelings in to words. He deserves it. He deserves this. He didn’t get forever with the person he thought was forever his first time. I feel like I need to one-up the woman who got to walk away from a marriage for selfish, inexcusable, reasons. I have to make sure that I overwrite any memory he has of those vows. He meant it, she didn’t. I think we all go into it thinking we mean it. I don’t do the “‘Til death do us part” nonsense. I do… “I am going to try harder than I have ever tried before and I am not going to give up unless I simply cannot bare to go another day.” Because life happens. But, that being said, I need these vows to mean something. I need them to be powerful enough that they will make Drew laugh, even cry, and remember them for the rest of our life together. How on Earth does someone do that???
I cannot simply go up there and say “I love you more than anything on the planet. You are my favorite person and my closest friend and I wanna hang out with you more than I want to hang out with anyone else. The End”
In lieu of writing these vows, I have to finish spraying all of the vases… go back for my final dress fitting…see the first draft of the floral bouquets and get those perfect… Wow. Weddings are lot… I think it will ultimately be worth it – but they are a lot of work.
So, yeah, here we are… 45 days out, and we still have to get our vows finished with the officiant and I am sure Drew is reveling in the fact that I, the TYPE A queen, is still pussyfooting around with finishing my letter to him.
Perhaps, they will start — “To the man who changed every aspect of my life for the better…” but then beyond that, is a work in progress…. Maybe I will draw some inspiration from our engagement photos. I normally never take photos with my hair up, but it was 90 degrees in St. Louis and I had a pretty stylish pony tail thing going on… It worked out.