Normally, you would see my Stitch Fix reveal right about now, complete with photos on a selfie stick and some commentary about the service… but this time was different.
I accepted a new job at a company that I had been honing in on for months… They are voted in the very top, by employees, in St. Louis as one of the best places to work. I needed a change. I was like “Just an admin”, and I have worked very hard and perfected various skills and had not been rewarded in the long term, as it pertains to my career trajectory in, really, any way. I talked to people, asked around — and narrowed my search to financially-focused positions in corporations that were well known, whether by vote, or by word of mouth for producing happy employees in a progressive environment. I literally signed my offer letter two minutes ago, to go out with today’s mail. I can bring a dog to work with me… I could not be more excited to get started. March 7th, here we come. I intend to work very hard, set professional boundaries by having a work-life balance, and grow in a company known for rewarding its employees. I have hope.
I had a moment. Well, several moments, in the last month.
I will be the first to admit that I am a human who makes has real emotions, and makes very few attempts to hide them. I don’t apologize for that. Because I am human. It is what humans do. I apologize when those emotions morph and hurt someone… or redirect when I think it might be going in the direction of anger that might cause hurt – but I do not apologize for living my life out loud or having emotions that are in the open. I wear my heart on my sleeve 95% of the time.
I realized, I am turning 30 next month… which to me is not a big deal. I wondered what I was doing with my life, with my career? I looked back at the last twelve years of my life and in administrative experience and I had only increased my salary $12,900.00. IN TWELVE YEARS — over 4 different positions. That’s awful if you are really trying to compare what you make to cost of living… I would lay in bed every morning, and sometimes in the middle of the night, and think… “You know…I have been piddling around in this place for too long. Haven’t I worked really hard? Haven’t I put forth a HUGE amount of work and a solid work ethic? Aren’t I really good at budgeting, budget planning, and all things money? Why am I not growing from this hard work?” The daily dump of thoughts that went through my head were a rolling cycle of negativity that lead me feel less and less and less on a daily basis. The thought process morphed into “Well, you’ve also gotten yourself so stressed, you don’t go to the gym. You’ve gained 7 whole pounds in a year!… That’s ridiculous, Alyssa, how could you let that happen? You used to LOVE running and running gadgets and personal records! You didn’t run any races this season at all… pathetic! You’re getting older and letting yourself go.”
And off to the races it went — leeching all of the good juju out of my day, week, and then…months passed in this thought process. I am still there, actually. True story. So, in short, I had created some bad habits in thought process that made me feel really poorly about myself…
The monthly Stitch Fix box arrived the Friday before it was scheduled to be here and my stylist did a great job, she sent me things I asked for, things I was interested in, things I had been looking after for quite some time. I have grown to trust that she will send me pieces that are my style and if there is a fit issue, so be it.
I was so upset with myself, looking in the mirror at my body in the morning before getting dressed – so angry. So upset with the woman that was staring back at me. “You, again. How could YOU let 7 pounds happen? Don’t use that honeymoon all-inclusive excuse with me, Lady.”
I grabbed the Stitch Fix box, grabbed the two items that I wasn’t sure what to style them with and the one that didn’t fit and shoved them all into the return bag… and dropped it on the front porch for return. No pictures. I kept two items, one that I like but is loose enough that it reminds me that my figure isn’t what it use to be and one that is black and flatters me nicely.
I didn’t want to see myself in the others, nor take pictures of them, because I had let this awful negative thought process creep in and take over.
Husband and I celebrated two wonderful years together this past weekend… joined a new gym where I wouldn’t be standing around waiting for a treadmill, or any various machines (If there is anything people that know me, know that I hate, its wasting time)…starting over.
While some history must be celebrated – like meeting last night for dinner at the place where we first met, on the anniversary of our first date, for example… some history needs to be let go and put to rest. Must fight the negative thoughts from creeping in and sucking the life out of me. I have a lot of really lovely positive things happening in my world and I have to remind myself that I am not going to be magically granted the energy and the drive to do something about that which is bothersome to me. I am going to have to push through and make it happen. Perhaps, a little less work-stress since things are starting to slow down a bit and in my final weeks will be more focused on setting my department up for solid continuity (because I do care about their long-term well-being) and a little bit of exciting eustress knowing that the new job is on the horizon – which I have faith will reward me for my ambitious work ethic – is something to really look forward to. Here’s to starting over.
Stitch Fix followers — here is what I kept from this fix.
(1) Market and Spruce Cotulla Button Back Sweater: (S) -$58
I received this sweater in a navy back in my third fix. I never wore it, ever, because I never wear navy… I know, it sounds SILLY to not wear something because of a color – but I do.Sold it to a fellow Stitch Fixer looking for the sweater. Navy didn’t really go with anything I had and you could not see the super cool elbow pads on this sweater. Again, you know I love the elbow pad thing! This is a size Small and its big in the stomach on me which, like we talked about above, gives me pause… but it’s really nice layered with a white blouse and my maroon boots.
(2) Daniel Rainn Shanon Blouse (S) -$68
This blouse, since it was black, and hid my problem areas (whether its all in my head, or if its really a problem…) and flattered me nicely. I can wear it to work with a black cami with a shelf-bra underneath since the front has a little peek at what is underneath which I love. Does not have to be a bra, there are tons of options. The blouse is difficult to photograph, but perhaps I will take a photo later when my next fix arrives… February 29th. I think this top will look lovely with a half-tuck, front tucked in, back is long and flowy and can be untucked with a grey blazer like the style card – and then the Liverpool Rizzo pant and heels. Also, tucked in the front, with skinny jeans, a skinny brown belt and brown boots with a fun gold necklace. Perhaps, that is what I will do when I am feeling up to taking pictures of myself again.
I sent my stylist, Nikki, a note explaining that the last few months have been rough on me and it has had a profound impact on my self esteem. In so many characters I told her to send me a box that was going to make me feel excited again about wearing nice clothes, and get me excited about starting this new career and signed it “I trust you.”
We shall see whats next for Alyssa… but I am hopeful.